Copy of What do you need right now

Like safety, your need for connection and belonging is both an individual and collective need. 

You ache to have your truest, most unguarded self be seen, heard, held, and met by the world around you -- and also, it can feel profoundly unsafe to be seen as you are if you haven’t, first, cultivated a felt sense of belonging in your relationship with yourself. 

We will always feel deeply lonely and set apart from the world around us when we seek to be known only for the highly curated, perfect representatives that we send forward. Meeting your need for connection is about leaning into the acceptance, forgiveness, and intimacy of the parts of yourself that you learned to deem unlovable. 

As you reorient yourself towards your own belonging, remember that these actions are exactly that — a reorientation. Belong to yourself by giving yourself permission to curl up in your own lap when you are needy, grief-stricken, confused, overwhelmed, or sad. Resource yourself for this self-inquiry and take your whole body with you as you stretch to accommodate all that you are. Honor your needs as they arise. 

With each of these actions you are reinforcing a powerful new message yourself — I see you. I accept you. I will keep you safe. I love you. This love is no longer associated with the demand for perfection. This belonging is no longer attached to the lengthy list of rules for who or what is required of you in order to ensure your belonging. It is important to remember that belonging to yourself is a continual practice. This is not work that you can do once and then put on a shelf. We live in a world that is continually sending us messaging about what is Right and Good to do or be, so we must be equally consistent in our conscious choice to remain by our own side. 

Repeat after me:

I will not sacrifice myself in order to belong.

I will not make myself small to earn anyone’s love, especially not my own.

I will not trespass against myself to please the people in my life.

I will belong to myself. I am worthy of that belonging. My worth has nothing to do with what I do or accomplish, and everything to do with who I am, innately. 

I am allowed to prioritize my pleasure, play, and celebration without having to earn it. 

I will belong to myself because this relationship is the only certainty that life has to offer and the cultivation of my ability to be with myself is the only safety I have control over.

I will not buy into products or services that seek to diminish my worth in order to convert me into a consumer. I honor the answers that I already have inside and seek support on this path that reminds me of the deep well of my own knowing whenever I am lost. 

I will set boundaries that enable me to thrive within my relationships. I will not stand by and allow others to disrespect me. I will not pick myself last or align myself with bullies to protect against their rejection or abandonment. 

I am the validator of my experiences. I decide what is true for me.

I will say what I mean and ask for what I need, because the clear articulation of my needs is the container for getting them met.

I belong to myself. My belonging belongs to me.

Quiz Results Page Image

Books

Practices

Earthing & co-regulating with nature. 

In her poem Wild Geese, Mary Oliver writes: 

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

You belong in the family of things. There is nothing that you need to do perfectly in order to earn or ensure this belonging. There is no one who can take this belonging away from you. 

Co-regulation is a psychological term used to describe the mutual nervous system regulation between two consenting people. We learn to co-regulate with the grown-ups caring for us as children, exploring the boundaries of big feelings within a safe container, but for many of us this wasn’t possible in our families of origin. It can be frightening, then, as an adult to experience big feelings when we experience the presence of those feelings as dangerous or disruptive in our closest relationships. 

Earthing or co-regulating with nature is the practice of connecting with the natural world around you, trusting it to hold your big emotions, and allowing it to nourish your belief in your own perfect imperfection. You are a vast, wild, and cyclical being, just like every facet of the natural world around you. 

 

Create a phenology wheel. 

Another way to cultivate intimacy with the natural world around you is to track the moon cycle, tides, weather, or growth cycle of plants that are indigenous to your area by creating a phenology wheel. A phenology wheel is a cyclical tool divided into sections for you to record your observations of the natural world around you. It can be used to track absolutely anything your heart desires, and provides you with a tangible practice for connecting with the natural world around you. You might use it to track the changes you experience in your garden over the course of the year, season, or moon cycle -- or you might use it to track the weather. 

How do you choose what to track? Lean into your natural curiosity! What lights you up? What are you curious about? Start with something that piques your natural interest. 

 

Gather. 

Connect with the humans in your life by reaching out and gathering people together, either for an informal hang out or a more formal gathering, like a party or meal. As you are making your choice about how to put together your gathering, make the choice to connect with yourself first before connecting with others. 

What do YOU want? What would feel most nourishing, supportive, connected, and inspiring to YOU? Your gatherings don’t have to look like anyone else’s. You might prefer 1:1 time with a close friend or to be surrounded by a crowd. There is no wrong way to meet your need for connection, but don’t forget to first connect with and pledge your belonging to yourself. 

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