I have struggled with the concept of enoughness, and I am willing to bet you do to.
I was no stranger to the feeling of 9 pm, computer in my lap, I just have to cross this one more thing off of my to do list.
I was no stranger to wandering the Internet aimlessly in the middle of the night, website “researching.”
I was also smart enough to know that what began with “research” had a tendency to end with questions like: Am I good enough? Am I reaching the right people? Should I restructure my site? Should I pay someone to teach me how to be a better business person?
What began with trampling over the boundaries of my to do list, continued into a forced imprisonment in the land of gorgeous and sparkly websites and copy, and culminated in the seemingly irrefutable fact that I had lost myself somewhere in the process.
This process is an exact replica for how I used to relate to my body.
I used to hate on myself with every possible negative thought I could imagine. It was a fear-based regime, and I was both dictator and captive audience. I spent my time “researching” other women’s bodies, magazine’s full of celebrities, weight loss success stories – desperately searching for any shred of a solution. I wandered from expert to expert, praying that this time, this time I would be fixed, this time I would be free from myself.
With my body, over time, I learned that this type of endless searching behavior indicated that I was out of whack and was privileging external validation and knowledge over my own.
I didn’t want to believe that I held the secret, that I alone was able to crack the code, and learn how to give myself exactly what I needed. I didn’t want to know it, because I didn’t trust myself to be able to take care of my body if push came to shove. I didn’t trust myself, because I had never seen it work out in real life. Self-trust didn’t have a visceral quality, it didn’t ring true to my experience, because I had never been “successful” at taking care of myself before.
Making money for yourself or starting a new venture can be very much the same.
When you are accustomed to doubting yourself or your ability to make things happen – putting all of your trust into the idea that this is the time that it is all going to work out can feel like an impossible task.
How is this time different?
How can I trust myself to make good on my promises?
What if it doesn’t work out?
We second guess ourselves, dimming our light, and tampering with our message – busy work to keep us from actually beginning. We distract ourselves from getting clients by revamping our website, again or waiting for the perfect piece of technology to record our video.
We buy into the idea that who we are – at our core with all of our messy, real and human bits – is not enough.
We confuse making plans and making lists with showing up for ourselves and making it happen – whatever it is.
But, just like no one can understand or effectively communicate with our bodies the way that we can, no one can know the inner working of our business. No one can speak to our tribe exactly how we can. No one can write our truths. No one else can care for another the way that we might, if we simply got out of our own way.
We are enough, already, right this second. We already have access to all of the lessons we could teach, words to reach our friends and clients, and stories to share.
The great leap of faith is this – you may have done it wrong a million times, but today, I am asking you to try again.
You may have a glorious track record of failure. You may be struggling. You may hate absolutely everything about where you are, right now. Try again anyway.
You get this one life, one chance, one body.
You get one opportunity to either strike out on your own, trusting in your own instincts and the importance of your intuition, or following the rules and regimes of others.
When you ground your efforts in the utmost love and respect for yourself, you cultivate a life tailor fit for you.
Wow, Mara, beautiful and wise as always! I could really relate to this piece. You had me at website “researching.” Seriously, I do this. all. the. time. While I do enjoy reading others’ work and looking at pretty websites, I also tend to turn this into additional evidence on why what I’m doing isn’t right or good enough. I turned outside of myself sooo many times in my life. I never thought I had the answers. I definitely needed this reminder today. Thank you so much for writing this.
Ummmm, how is it that I just send you an email and then come to read your latest post and you’ve already answered so many of my questions? (thank you)
Timely beyond words, thanks Mara. You get to the root of it with ease and gentleness. I appreciate that!
Really needed today. I do this with writing ALL THE TIME. When I’m not quite sure what to say or not quite finding my voice, I tell myself that reading what other people have to say will solve it. Then I despair about how I’ll never be that good, I need to have a real website to be a “real” writer (why is this such a sticking point??), etc. I have to learn and relearn that my most authentic writing is done when I retreat into myself, not when I fill myself up with other standards of “success.”
Thank you for this. This is something I’ve been struggling with. First, self identity. Then, going back to school with a purpose. Now, wanting to start and grow my own business. Thank you thank you thank you.