Learning the Rules to Your Own Game: Decision Making + Self-Love

I don’t know how you make your decisions, but I do know how I used to make them.

It looked a lot like this:

Notice something that I wanted to do, get really excited about it, wonder if it could possibly be true, decide that it couldn’t be true because of _____, ask all of my friends, talk myself out of whatever it was that caught my attention, and sit in sadness believing that really good things never happen to me. 

I knew what I should do.

I knew what I thought the right thing to do was.

I knew what answer would :: get me an A, get me the girl, get me the job, get me a smiling look of approval.

What I didn’t know was how to do what I wanted to do. 

In fact, I was so out of practice using the excitement in my heart and ease of my intuition as a barometer for success, I didn’t even know what I would do, if I were to stop and ask.

I was really good at knowing what answer would bring me the greatest amount of approval. 

I wanted to pass.

I wanted to elicit smiles.

I wanted to be loved.

I wanted to fit in.

As we grow up, we create the system that we will someday live in. 

We teach ourselves what is good and what is bad. We categorize experiences, stories, cautionary tales. We notice what gets us the approving smile, the love from our parents. We learn the rules for fitting into our social system, our tribes, our families.

I don’t know about you, but I never learned the rules of how to make myself happy. 

I thought that my story was about learning how to love my body, how to accept my weight, or how to find myself in the happy medium of photo-shopped women and real life.

But, using that language to describe my inner turmoil was another rule.

That rule stated: Women depict their discomfort and unhappiness with their lives by measuring and comparing pounds. They talk about wanting to change their lives, by describing how they want to change their bodies.

This is why we could lose the weight, but still find ourselves fundamentally at odds with our lives.

This is why we lose weight, only to gain it back.

This is why, no matter what we do, we feel badly about ourselves.

We don’t know ourselves. We don’t know the rules to our own games. 

We are so busy making everyone else happy, we never stop to consider whether or not we want to hurl the rulebook out the window and start fresh.  

I believe that our only job on this planet is build the most beautiful life we can, with the tools we have on hand. 

This means: meeting ourselves where we are, and beginning our work there.

This does not mean: wishing, hoping, or pretending that we are something that we are not.

This is really not about losing or gaining weight at all, though that might be a piece of it for you. 

This is about digging into your life – actively plugging into your life source, and making the promise to yourself that you will remain true. 

It is about changing the trajectory of your life, and being brave enough to have your own back, always.

Your relationship with yourself is your most primary relationship. That means that it comes first, instead of last. That means that the strength of the rest of your relationships relies on the integrity and trust that you share with yourself. That means that you can no longer ignore yourself, your needs, or your deeply felt yearnings. 

You are important to your own story. Period.

This can absolutely be difficult for you – it is difficult for me – but this work is important, also.

Our relationships with ourselves, much like our relationships with others, happen over time. It is made up of the small moments where we do what we say we are going to do, where we take ourselves into account when we are making our decision.

It is made up of a lot of experimentation. It requires thought, care, and a curious mind.

On some level, you already know how to relate to yourself. It is genetically encrypted in your DNA. You were born for this work – this unfurling, softening, and standing in your own power.

Loving yourself, fully, is your birthright. 

You are the sum of your parts. That means: you are the messy part, the part that you are ashamed of.

It is ok to be ashamed – sometimes I am ashamed – but this work is important, also.

We all want to belong. How might it be possible for us to belong to ourselves?

Make your home within your skin.

Make your heart your greatest ally.

Love all of your parts, so that you will always feel accepted for exactly who you are.

Begin learning the rules to your own game. 

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If you are feeling unhappy with your life, at odds with yourself, or simply want to cultivate a relationship with yourself that feels really exciting and good, these topics will be the main tenets of Body Loving Homework Live, the 12-week group coaching program that I am running this spring. Check the class out + grab your seat here.