I have a sneaking suspicion that many of the people who read this blog are remarkable caregivers, and I have been thinking about all of you this week. The thing about being a great caregiver is that it is a quality that is universally liked by those who are being cared for, but sometimes they’ve been cared for for so long that they don’t thank you quite as much as they should.
Can you envision one person in your life that gives to you unconditionally and thanklessly and never asks for anything in return? It’s probably time to tell them how much they mean to you.
Are you that person? Do you ever stop and take care of yourself? Not as often as you should? Somehow that doesn’t surprise me.
The thing about being a great caregiver is that when taking care of others becomes and integral part of your personality, deciding to put yourself first just once feels very foreign and selfish. The thing about being a great caregiver is that if you don’t stop and pay attention to your own needs every once and a while, you can start feeling resentful bit by bit, until one day you just explode.
The reality is that it is EXHAUSTING taking care of people all the time, as many of you know, and all of that exhaustion and feeling as though you really should takes its toll after a little while. It can turn into compassion fatigue. Over time, it can make you angry at everyone that you know.
Luckily, just like most things, each and every day is a day to turn it all around, and remind yourself that you deserve taking care of too.
- Evaluate your ability to care for others on any given day. Don’t assume that just because you’ve always done something that you HAVE to do it again. This is all about setting positive boundaries and learning how to say no. Are you piling things onto your plate that no one even asked you to take care of? Sometimes it’s about learning how to say no to yourself.
- Think about the things that make you feel the most taken care of. Compile a master list of all of your favorite things. What makes you feel truly happy and loved? Put it on the list. Keep the list handy, and pick something off of it on regular intervals. Don’t feel as though taking care of yourself as a treat, instead reframe caring for yourself as something integral to your daily life, just like eating or sleeping or breathing.
- Get to know yourself very well. Pay attention to your triggers, and pay attention to what happens when you’re feeling overwhelmed. Do you start snapping at your loved ones? Do you begin feeling lethargic and hopeless? Do you find yourself bogged down by thinking that nothing you do will ever be enough? The better you know yourself, the better you will know how to take a break and take care of yourself to stave off a meltdown.
- Learn how to share responsibility. This is really crucial, as much as a loathe to say it, so I’m going to say it again: Learn how to share responsibility. Tell other people what you expect from them, and then trust that they are going to follow through. I am really, horribly bad at this. I am one of those people affectionately referred to as a control freak, but you know what? This is really important, and as terrible as it feels – knowing that you can trust the people around you to help you out is kind of magical.
- Determine what your baseline is. In addition to your self-care list, make a list about those things that are your absolute bare minimum needs to function optimally. This can include the hours of sleep you need a night, a certain type of eating, an amount of regular exercise, or an amount of sex that you desire, the possibilities are endless. Ultimately, if you aren’t covering your bare minimum, you aren’t in a position to take care of anyone else.
Oh Marzipan, but I don’t have the tiiiiiiiiime to do all of those things or well, gee, that sounds awesome, but it just doesn’t fit into my schedule. I hear you. I am an extremely busy person myself, and most days I barely feel like I have the time to brush my teeth. The reality is that if you hit burnout, you will not be useful to anyone, including yourself, and that putting some extra time in to take care of yourself is going to benefit everyone in your family/friend/professional system.
Make a date with yourself.
Put it in your calendar.
Hold one another accountable.
Learn that asking for your needs is a good thing.
I have the utmost faith in you, and I really think you deserve it.
xox.
I absolutely needed to read this. This totally is me. Making time for myself and the quiet/alone time that I need is essential and I got away from it for a while but in getting back to it recently, it’s helped me become more… human again 🙂
Great post–and so important! I tend to have some caregiving tendencies…not that they’re bad, of course, but when it comes to the point that I’m taking care of others too much before myself, then it’s a problem! I’ve gotten much better, though. Can’t help others if you’re not doing well first!
As a new mother, I get one hour a week to do what I want. Recently I have been feeling a ‘burn out’ coming, but that hour I get… recharges. Hot coco, How I Met Your Mother, or my book. And a big cozy blanket. 🙂
What if you can’t trust everyone to follow through? What if you know that once you leave their sight, your friends are so busy and so immersed in their hectic lives that they won’t give you what you need, even though you do so much for them? I was always taught, via my mom the perpetually working yet unstressed person, that if you want to get something done, you have to do it yourself, and that other people are pretty much unreliable (both things I have discovered so far to be true). I keep hoping that one day I’ll end up eternally strong like her, but it hasn’t happened yet.
Oh wow, Mara. This post SO resonated with me! After spending a year as a primary caregiver to family members who were terminally ill — a year in which my own health suffered because of the physical and emotional stress of doing so — I think I’m recalibrating with a period of fierce self-care. The “but you’re being so selfish!” chorus still has to be silenced occasionally, but it took (apparently) a full year of such extreme circumstance for me to “get it.” Our primary responsibility is to take care of what the sexy, sassy and awesome Kris Carr calls our “God pod.” And truthfully, finding YOU, Mara, and the incredible community you so generously shared with me, has been a key element in my healing and/or reclaiming process, so thank you so much for that.
theres a tiny chance I do this too much (not joking. I do draw my boundaries in sharpie and OFTEN NO all over town) but I do it.
because when I didnt I was beyond bitter…
This is a great information that you must read and lots of ideas and thought you may get. Mar, you are truly a good writer. Your articles packed with good source of information and very important. A reminders for all. Thanks for sharing this.
“Sometimes it’s about learning how to say no to yourself.”
Oof. You… you GET me because you get it. You understand. Thank you for this, seriously.
xoxo