The Healing is in the Holding

I am allergic to someone trying to fix me.

I can feel it from miles away. It exists somewhere on the spectrum of the discomfort of wearing a scratchy wool sweater over your naked skin to the violence of being dismissed when when you are at your most vulnerable.

It starts like this.

I spill out everywhere, messy in my own humanity. With tears running down my face, I share my newest understanding of myself and the world around me. These words are barely formed, but they tumble out of my lips. They want to be heard. I want to be heard. I want to be seen. I want to feel accepted, as I am.

And then, it arrives.

Well have you tried… ?

I know what you should do! Here’s this 10 point plan to get it done…

It’s really not that big of a deal. I don’t know why you’re so upset.

The words that slam the door. The words that aim to be helpful in an attempt to bypass the messiness of your experience. The words that tell you, in no uncertain terms, that you are a problem to be fixed and there is an easy solution for what ails you.

Over time, conversations like this teach us that our messy vulnerability is wrong. That we are a burden. That our tears and unformed words are the unmistakable signs of our needing to be fixed in some way.

Now, in this situation we may indeed need or benefit from support, but I truly believe that FIRST and foremost, we are begging to be seen and loved as we are. As incomplete vessels. As our imperfect human selves.

It happens in conversations with other people, often, but it also happens in conversations with yourself.

Today, I want to address the way that you show up for yourself during these conversations.

How often have you closed that door on yourself?

How often have you made your messiness mean there is something wrong with you?

How often have you punished yourself for your imperfections or judged yourself for being the only person on the planet who doesn’t have her shit together?

How often have you shut yourself down in an attempt to alleviate the fear and confusion that new information can elicit?

How often have you refused to see and hear yourself?

This has to end.

You are allowed to not have all of the answers without making it mean there is something wrong with you.

You are allowed to be human. To be messy. To not have your shit together.

You are allowed to be in a season of discovery and deep repair. You are allowed to be unformed and wordless as you change. You are allowed to pour time and energy into inner transformations that no one can see but you.

You are allowed to validate your own enoughness, accepting yourself in each and every emotional state you pass through over the course of the day.

You are allowed to no longer be who you were five minutes ago.

You are allowed to fumble as you iterate.

If someone rushing in to fix you doesn’t feel good to you either, let the first change be in how you speak to yourself. Use your self-talk to teach yourself the kind of treatment you deserve and long to expect from the world around you. Model the kind of treatment you would like to receive.

Love yourself this way, so that you can learn what it means to be loved exactly as you are.

Stop abandoning yourself when you need yourself the most.


Need a reminder of this post? I made this just for you.

I am allergic to someone trying to fix me. To words that aim to be helpful in an attempt to bypass the messiness of my experience. To words that tell me, in no uncertain terms, that I'm a problem to be fixed. Are you allergic too? In this post, I address the way we show up for ourselves, with love, during these conversations.

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