When Too Much is Also Not Enough

I’ve found that over the course of my life, as much as I’ve felt like I’m too much, too big, or too passionate, it has appeared in my life and in it’s impact on my heart and psyche as feeling like I’m not enough.

Though I’m certain you’re familiar with this feeling, I’ll spell it out a little.

You stay at work an hour late, struggling to try and completely your seemingly never-ending to do list not because you’ve been asked to, but because you’re guided by that voice that says: you’re not good enough for this job, you better do ______ and go above and beyond.

Or you take your work home with you.

You find yourself bedraggled and exhausted by trying to meet and surpass the expectations of your friends, family, and loved ones. You are compromising right out of the gate. You are anticipating being rejected at every turn.

You find yourself receiving exactly the kind of evidence that you’re seeking – evidence that supports your not enoughness.

You are working double and triple time, anticipating the rug being pulled out from under your or worrying that you might be found out.

Found out to be unworthy for your job.

Found out to be a bad mother.

Found out to be a worthless and unlovable.

Found out to be a not smart enough, not pretty enough, or not cool enough for your dreams.

We think that if we don’t call attention to something no one will notice, so we spend our lives carefully covering our tracks and presenting ourselves folded and in careful lighting. 

We trick ourselves into believing that we can keep those parts of ourselves (the soft parts, the not-enough parts, the ugly parts) secret from others, but it costs us an immense amount of energy.

We are in a constant state of apologizing for the person that we are.

This is a direct result of our muchness. That, by some strange fate, there is just something about us that is so much that we become absolutely nothing at all.

Leaving us in a constant battle with ourselves, where we are both protagonist and enemy.

Bound by the list of rules that we have compiled, our learned truths: don’t make waves, be good, and be grateful for what you get.

How is it that we have become so impossibly hobbled by our own beauty?

I believe that when we are made to believe that we are truly too much, down to our absolute core, we naturally respond with the process of constantly working to become what we are not.

Someone palatable. Someone polite. Someone kind. Someone worth promoting. Someone adorable. Someone loveable.  Someone kind.

And with all of that wanting to become someone else, we slowly become nothing at all.

Nothing sparks us or lights us up authentically.

We drop the projects that our passion tells us we’d be best at.

We teach ourselves to thrive in mediocrity.  We keep our heads down. We don’t take risks.

And then, we experience the loss of being out of touch with our lives.

Disconnected. Unplugged. Out of touch.

We move about our day, but we aren’t plugged into our core truths. The matter in our hearts that shows us what we absolutely LOVE.

We lose our connection with our inner wisdom, that which guides us towards the lives that we were meant to live.

This manifests in a tangible ways:

::You’re looking around your house and wondering to yourself, who designed this space? Is this how I would want to live, if I had a choice?

::You look at your partner and realize that you coupled up with the person that you were supposed to couple with. A safe choice. A good provider.

::You look down at your wardrobe and realize that the part of your brain that used to light up in thinking about expressing yourself through your appearance hasn’t been lit up in years.  You look in the mirror and wonder, who is this person.

::You drive a perfectly fine car. You eat food that is easy to grab and take with you on the run. All of your choices are ranked in terms of safety, low cost, and ease.

::Even if you had a choice you couldn’t imagine what you’d do at night instead of sitting yourself down in front of the TV for hours.

You have lost touch with that magnificent part of yourself that is dynamic and purposeful – that part that flies through the air, excited and exhilarated by the prospect of what’s next.

The best news? You can go home again.

You can return to yourself.

You can meet yourself again, make nice, and take yourself out for a date.

You can woo your inner wisdom, plying her with delicious treats and adventures to places that make her feel alive.

You can befriend yourself, no matter how long it’s been.

You can cure your too muchness and your not enoughness by becoming the person that you are.

No matter who you are. No matter who long it’s been. No matter what it will take.

You are enough, exactly as you are.

In this day. In this body. In this life.

All you have to do is make the choice to take the first step.